Please surgically remove my sack, when the time comes.

My brother-in-law tends not to agree with me very often. The reasons are many and varied, and probably subjects from additional blogs. But I digress. He does agree with me on one thing: When I am an old man and need to be placed in a nursing home, I want you to please have my testicles and sctrotum removed first.



Here is why.

1. I am a fairly misanthropic person to begin with, and I am likely only going to get crankier as I age and become infirm and dependent.


2. Pain makes any one, myself included, crankier and more irritable.


3. There is some correlation between testosterone levels and aggression in humans.


4. If some one helps me out of bed into a wheelchair, they are highly unlikely to then reach inside my adult incontinence garment and adjust my cluster for my maximum comfort.


5. Sitting such that pressure is on my scrotal contents is painful, and will rapidly make me miserable and irritable (see point 2).


6. If I am wearing an incotinence garment, it is because I am incontient. Just changing the diaper won't be enough--my lower region will need to be cleaned and wiped down. Often.


7. If you start scrubbing me with a washcloth anywhere near a testicle that is aching from being squished unremittingly for a few hours, look out!


8. Miserable old guys who hit out at the well-meaning personal care attendants who actually do the bum-wiping in nursing homes are, guess what? Not going to get the best job done on their care. So, more likely that there will be little crumbs and cling-ons, a further source of irritation and discomfort.

Solution? It is obvious--be rid of the pesky scrotum and all that it contains! Scrotectomy. Incontinence garment equals no more sex, my wife has made that clear enough. Hence, no concerns about impact on libido or sexual function in this scenario. In fact, nursing home staff tend to take a dim view of old men who masturbate, and so I am better off with as little sexual appetite as is possible in this setting. If loss of the balls and the testosterone they produce leaves me a little more docile then that is also probably going to be better for me when it comes to interacting with facility staff and demented co-residents (they can be highly frustrating at times). I should be easier to clean with a smooth featureless perineum, scoring me extra points with the care staff and making my life with them a little easier. Most importantly, I won't ever suffer a squashed nut, pinched fold of redundant scrotal flesh, or incessantly tugging sack-hairs entrapped in the folds and tapes of the paper & plastic undershorts I wear.

It's better for me, it is better for the nursing home staff. Apart from the small risk of surgical infection, there is no down side.

Now, I have to confess that I originally expounded on these ideas in the course of after-dinner speaking at a family get together. It was really intended for eliciting laughs. But when my brother-in-law quietly pondered and soberly agreed with the idea, it made me think. He is the jock, the ladies man; macho, if that was a term that had made it out of the last century. For him to agree... maybe there is something in this after all. Will I have the balls to find out?

Come on, you had to see that coming.