Sexomones: A strong human pheromone effect

If you have ever gone for a walk with a bitch in heat, you know that scent is a powerful message in the animal kingdom. Empirical research seems to argue against the existence of human sex pheromones, but there sure are a lot of spammers who would have us believe otherwise.

I have given the topic considerable thought, and I can say quite confidently that I can now reconcile these two seemingly contradictory points of view. Human sex pheromones indeed DO exist. They just don't work as attractants for the opposite sex--that's why the research studies have so far failed to reject their null hypotheses. What human sex pheromones do NOT do is attract your mate. What they DO do is attract your CHILDREN.

I have observed that our children have an unerring ability to detect any hint of amorous stirring when my wife and I are together. A simple hug and deep kiss is enough to bring them running from the opposite end of our 6500 sq. ft. home. They don't know why they are all of a suddeen in desperate need of getting our joint attention RIGHT NOW! They will come and physically insinuate themselves between us while chattering away, making any hope of liaison vanish completely. If asleep, they will waken. (This seems especially true in the early morning pre-dawn hours.) Because the effect is diametrically opposed to the idea connoted by the general use of the term "pheromones", I have proposed that the newly identified factors be referred to as "sexomones."

This sexomone effect has been consistently demonstrated by all four of our children in turn. The response has been most pronounced in neonates, and it seems to weaken steadily with advancing age. Upon entering puberty, there appears that there may be a "polarity reversal" of the effect wherein any hint of parental sexuality sends the adolescent bounding from the room, preferrably to a different floor of the house. I admit that I am less certain of the changing adolescent sexomone response, because so far only the first of our kids has hit that particular developmental stage. Replication of these observations must wait, for now.

Because the sexomone phenomenon has been so pronounced for us over the last decade-plus, we have become completely convinced it is a real effect. For a while it seemed to be a almost a running joke for us. Some joke. Sure a pratfall can be funny, but when it repeats over and over and over, it becomes nothing more than pain in the ass.

Sexomones seem to function only if the two of us (my wife and I) are in proximity. Gearing up for a vigorous session of masturbation (thankfully) doesn't seem to have nearly the same propensity to pring the preschoolers barrelling through the bedroom door. Conjoint non-sexual nudity, e.g., showers, baths, trimming body hair, etc., does not cause the sexomone effect to be manifest. A fully-clothed grope and grind will. It rarely fails.

The scientist in me wonders, "Why should our species be equipped with this kind of anti-sex pheromone? Would it not be counter-adaptive in propagating one's genes to be subject to this sexomone effect?" After some discussion we have concluded that the evolutionary pressure favours the emergence of sexomones because offspring (ours) of sexomone-producing adults (us) have a vested interest in reducing competition for resources from potential future siblings. If they can detect and prevent us parents having a good romp, then they are less likely to have a baby brother or baby sister to contend with. Selection pressure does not give a rat's ass about whether a marital relationship suffers, apparently.

Knowledge is power. With an understanding of how these sexomones work we have been able to adopt counter-strategies to beat natural selection at its own game. Together my wife and I have succeeded in producing a higher-than-statistical-average number of children. While this may not help the selfish genes of any one of our equally selfish carpet-apes, it has allowed us to more extensively propagate OUR genes. More importantly, it has made it so that the kids can't come between us quite so often.